Update: Saturday, January 30, 2021

If people have hurt you and have never made amends, it is the most natural thing in the world to be in pain and to have dark feelings about it, whether angry or sad.

This applies even if the hurt happened years and years ago.

The trick, I think, is for us to express these darker emotions in ways that are healthy and safe, and which help us grow.

Doing things to hurt ourselves and/or others is extremely unhealthy; but there is nothing wrong with drawing pictures, writing poems, or telling stories to express our pain.

We can’t let our feelings run the show, but we aren’t doing anything wrong just by having them either.

Where we go wrong is when we ignore the darkness inside ourselves, giving it the power to trick us into destroying our lives.

Feelings come and go, passing through us all the time; but we remain. And it is really hard to remember this and live in healthy ways when we are grieving or enraged.

It’s even harder to remember if we try to ignore our pain and refuse to love ourselves in the first place.

Update: Wednesday, January 27, 2021

One time in the 2000s, the Tonester and I were invited to participate in a Pagan meetup down in central Texas. We were so excited, we stayed up all night the previous evening to bake a shit-ton of chocolate chip cookies. Then we put on our best black duds and went to the meetup.

When we arrived, we found we were two of the only three men present, and that everyone else at the meetup was a Wiccan. They took one look at our black clothes and our horned pentagram necklaces and thought we were bad news. And they were really weirded out by the fact that we had made so many chocolate chip cookies. They were like, “Who the hell are these devil worshipers, and why did they bring cookies?”

We tried to make friends and explain what we were all about; but things didn’t go well. As soon as we mentioned Set’s name, we received the standard response: “Isn’t He the bad guy of the Egyptian pantheon? Why would you worship the bad guy?” And when we attempted to explain, we were chastised for “not being Pagan enough.” Everything we told them about Ma’at, isfet, and Set’s war against Apep sounded “too Christian” to them. They seemed to think we had simply taken Christianity and replaced Jesus with an Egyptian devil-god. They didn’t believe that anything we were talking about had actually originated from Egypt.

After a while, it became clear that we just weren’t welcome (despite the fact that everyone seemed to enjoy our cookies). So we left and went home. We put so much energy into this event, and we really tried our best to be cordial and make friends. But we were treated like creeps, and it was demoralizing. We never went to another Pagan meetup again after that.

The word Pagan comes from the Latin paganus, which means “country dweller.” When the Roman Empire adopted Christianity as its official state religion, pagan was applied to virtually anyone who refused to convert—with the insinuation being that non-Christians were primitive, backward yokels. No one in history ever referred to themselves as a Pagan until after the Industrial Revolution, when artists of the Romantic movement started incorporating ancient polytheist ideas into their work. Since then, Pagan has become a “catch-all” term for various new religious movements that each take their inspiration from nature and ancient mythology in some way (e.g., Wicca, Druidism, Heathenry, Kemeticism, etc.). It does not actually denote any particular theology, philosophy, or creed; it is simply a collective “safe space” for several religious communities that just don’t feel welcome anywhere else.

So when Pagans alienate other Pagans from this “safe space,” it is especially hypocritical. Even Wiccans know what it is like to have people call Child Protection Services on you simply for identifying as a “witch.” You would think, therefore, that they would be a little more sympathetic to other Pagans who struggle with similar prejudices. But in my experience, people generally deal with persecution by trying to shift it on to somebody else. This ugly tendency is every bit as true of Pagans as it is of other religious communities.

Sometimes when people ask about my religion, they get confused because of all the different terms that can be applied to it. I prefer to identify as a Setian, but I can also be described as a Kemetic polytheist. And of course, I include myself beneath the Pagan umbrella (even though certain other Pagans would prefer that I didn’t). But really, Pagan is my least favorite self-label. It can be very useful for networking purposes; but apart from that, it is practically meaningless.

Update: Tuesday, January 26, 2021

When I was 14 years old, I had an experience that convinced me the Egyptian god Set is real. That was the moment I first became a Setian. But over the years, I would experience several crises of faith. I alternated between thinking Set is actually real and thinking I am just imagining things.

It didn’t help that there were people in my life who were obsessed with “proving me wrong” about my beliefs. The Christians I knew were most obvious, assaulting me with their apologetics and their conversion tactics. I never minded them that much, because none of their arguments were ever based on logic. They were rooted instead in emotions (“Don’t you want to go to heaven with the rest of your family?”), and they all hinged on biblical scriptures. These people didn’t understand that the Bible has no bearing on my life at all. It’s like trying to convince a Star Trek fan they are “wrong” by quoting Star Wars at them; it’s just NOT going to work.

But the people who really succeeded in shaking my faith at times were the militant atheists I knew. They would laugh at me for believing in Egyptian gods, claiming this is somehow “even sillier” than being a Christian. They constantly asked me things like, “What proof do you have for your beliefs? Why should I believe any of this?” Few of them understood that I am not interested in “proving” my beliefs to other people; nor am I interested in “converting” anyone. But they all seemed to take great relish in putting me on the spot, embarrassing me, and making me feel humiliated.

Whenever I started to think that maybe the atheists were right and maybe I really was just imagining things, it made me terribly depressed. My walk with Set is the one thing that truly helped me determine myself in my life, and to think that it might simply be a “delusion” was very upsetting to me indeed. There were other experiences that contributed to such crises of faith, as well, including a suicidal depression in high school and some truly terrible experiences I had while meeting up with other esotericists during my twenties. Such experiences were cited as “proof” by my tormentors that my spiritual interests were simply a recipe for madness, saying I should “get wise” and resign myself to atheism.

In 2007, I made a pilgrimage to Malvern, Pennsylvania, which is where I was living when Set first exploded into my life back in 1997. I needed to see my old stomping grounds and visit all the woodsy areas I used to frequent. There is one area in the woods by Malvern where I always used to pray and worship back in the early days. This area is called Duffy’s Cut, and much to my surprise, they uncovered a mass grave of Irish railroad workers there at some point after I moved to Texas. So when I returned to Malvern and visited Duffy’s Cut, I thanked the ancestors who had been buried there for letting me use their place of rest for my rituals.

Just being there, in that place where Set and I first met, re-awakened something truly powerful in me. And when I returned from that pilgrimage to Duffy’s Cut, I no longer cared what my atheist colleagues said to me. None of their attacks on my faith bothered me anymore. They were completely missing the point, and they had succeeded in making me miss the point as well. But no more.

The point is that it really doesn’t matter if Set (or any other god) is actually “real” or not. Even if the atheists are right and it IS all just make-believe, this still would not negate the efficacy of my spiritual work. Just believing in Set and working to emulate Him throughout my life has saved me from self-annihilation time and time again. Even if Set is just a fictional character, praying to Him and making offerings to Him has had a profoundly positive impact on my life. This does not “prove” that He is real by any means; but it does indicate that He is real enough, and that Setianism is a powerful tool regardless of whether “the supernatural” actually exists or not.

And no one has any business busting my chops for utilizing a tool that helps me to improve myself (especially if THEY are in need of some serious self-improvement, themselves!).

I have not had any crises of faith since I made this realization in 2007. This is not to say that everything has been all peaches and cream. There are times when I actually don’t find this stuff very useful, and I have to put it away and take a break for a while. This has nothing to do with losing faith; it is simply a matter of needing to rest my brain or focus on something else for the time being. Setianism does not work like Christianity, where there is all this pressure to absolutely “buy into” the belief system all the time. This stuff is always here when we need it, and we can also put it away whenever we don’t.

Furthermore, Setians should never feel guilty about needing to take breaks from their quests. Set does not expect any of us to be Terminators. He doesn’t expect us to put Him before ourselves all the time. He also doesn’t judge or condemn anyone for lapsing in their faith or their practice. Set wants His children to be fully autonomous and self-determined, and sometimes this means doing things without Him if you need to for any reason. He is not bothered by this at all; nor does He consider it any kind of “sin” or “offense.” He understands these issues better than most any other deity, and He is always there waiting for us when we need Him again.

Update: Monday, January 25, 2021

My wife and I are ethically non-monogamous. (There, I said it.) This means that we both occasionally see other people when we are unable to fulfill all of each other’s needs.

We opened our marriage years ago after having lots and lots of couple’s therapy. My wife came out as asexual to me, and we almost got divorced over it. Almost all of our fights back then were about sex. But the couple’s therapy really helped us understand each other and this conflict in much clearer terms.

Even if my wife were not asexual, she is under no obligation to share her body with anyone, not even her husband. No matter how much the lack of physical intimacy might bother me, I am not entitled to anyone else’s body but my own.

At the same time, I am under no obligation to remain celibate for the rest of my life. I am a sexual being, and I deserve to be able to fulfill that part of my personality. My wife is not entitled to my body either; and as long as I am transparent with her about everything, I can share my body with others if I want to.

When we reached this understanding, we stopped fighting all the time. Now we could talk rationally with each other about our needs, and we could problem-solve together and find ways to meet both of our needs without putting all the responsibility for this on each other. I no longer felt guilty about wanting sex, and my wife no longer felt guilty about not wanting it.

I dated another woman for a little while after that, back before Covid brought the world to its knees. We were friends with benefits, and with no strings attached. It was exactly what we both needed. No drama, no involvement in each other’s lives; just meet for coffee every once in a while, catch up for an hour or two, then go take care of business. Once we were done, we’d go back to our separate lives and not really talk again until we needed to. And life at home steadily improved, because I was no longer pressuring my wife and she was no longer rejecting me.

It was surreal, but I learned that having sex with someone else does not negate my devotion to my wife at all, and that her not wanting to have sex is not the end of the world. Everything else about our relationship is truly fulfilling; why then should we separate just over sex? There are other couples who have great sex, but who throw furniture at each other. So I learned to compartmentalize my love life I guess you might say.

I believe the concept of monogamy is extremely toxic. We are conditioned from birth to believe there is only ONE person for each of us out there, and that it is this one person’s “responsibility” to fulfill ALL of our various needs in life. But this expectation is not at all realistic, or even humane. No one on earth can fulfill all of anyone else’s needs all the time; and imposing this expectation on people sets them up for failure. How many relationships would still exist and be healthy right now if the people involved in them DIDN’T have this expectation?

Of course, being non-monogamous isn’t easy either. Everything in society seems designed to chastise me for being the way I am. Most dating sites are for “singles only” and will actually give you the boot if they find out you’re married. Others will allow people to seek extramarital partners; but most of the membership in these sites are either swingers or people who are actually cheating on their spouses, and I am not into either of those things.

And then there’s the fact that there are people in my family who would not understand any of this. There are people who call me a cheater and a faithless husband. I do not believe it counts as “cheating” if your spouse is the one who’s BEGGING you to sleep with someone else just so she can get some goddamn peace. But some people can’t handle this idea because of their fragile Christian values.

I have expressed guilt in the past for being the way I am, and for needing to compartmentalize my love life in this way. But that is not really the problem. The real problem here is that SOCIETY tells me I am “wrong” for still needing sex when my wife no longer does. SOCIETY tells my wife she is “bad” for not having sex with me, even if she really doesn’t want to. To be honest, this isn’t really about sex at all; it’s about power. People are much easier to control when they believe a thing like love can be legislated.

Update: Sunday, January 24, 2021

For personal reasons, I don’t feel comfortable recording sermons for my podcast at present. I will likely get back to that eventually, as I do not intend to stop producing In the Desert of Set.

But since the holidays, I have only felt comfortable expressing myself in pictures. I would like to try expressing myself in words again, but I need to regain my footing with electronic print before I can feel comfortable with public speaking again.

I’m not prepared to produce the kind of in-depth content I have been writing for the podcast up until recently, or at least not yet. So I will be focusing on writing shorter offerings; hence this new Updates page featured on my website.

It may be some time before I return to producing the podcast; but Set has Opened my Mouth, and I must speak no matter what. If pictures and brief blurbs are the only way I can do so right now, then so be it.

Set’s Will be done.

On Mental Health

For those of you who have been distressed by my posts as of late:

Yes, I have been in a very dark place lately. But Set is mighty, and so am I.

I for one am sick and tired of how we treat mental illness in our culture. Even people I love often do not get the help they need or deserve. Some are hardwired not to even ask for help in the first place because it is ingrained into us from birth that this is a “shameful” thing to admit, perhaps even to oneself.

And then there are the people who you think are dependable and you reach out to them for help, but they simply reject you because “they have their own problems to worry about.”

That is not how people who love each other should behave.

If I can transform my pain to make it easier for others to discuss these issues and find the help they need, then so be it.

I am grateful to each person who has reached out to me during this dark time to show their support.

As for those who cringe and turn away from the things I’ve been posting…Well, you can just mute me or unfollow me if it really bothers you that much. I’m not going to stop expressing myself. Maybe drawing pictures of your feelings would help you cope better with whatever you are struggling with, too. Please give it some thought.

Helping others is the best way to help ourselves. Dua Ma’at!

Prayer Against Depression

O Dazzling One!
You who were made desolate,
But who never dies!
You who were rejected,
But who always saves the dawn!

Straighten my spine!
Make strong my limbs!
Open my mouth!

You are what makes me to STAND!
You are what makes me to FIGHT!
You are what makes me to SPEAK!

The Serpent strikes me every day,
But I will NOT be stopped!
I will NOT be rendered powerless!
I will NOT be kept silent!

Holy Outlaw! Divine Rebel!
You who lay tyrants to waste!
Put me to Your holy work!

Do not let me stop
Decrees my descent!

May I never EVER stop
Bringing joy to loved ones
And strangers alike!

May the Serpent TREMBLE
Whenever I pass near!